Sasuke and the Chili Cheese Fries
by Girl in My Mirror Is Crying
Summary: Sasuke was just going to prepare his girlfriend Sakura a meal for their two-week anniversary, but he decides to get some fast food on the way home from the store. This is the nightmare that unfolds from his decision.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi! This story used to belong to a nigga on here, but I remember reading this story when it first came on a few years ago and I asked for permission to rewrite it and he agreed. This story will be pretty much the same, but a few minor changes. I'm trying to copy that person's writing style, so here goes nothing!**

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It was an extremely cloudy day in September of 2004 in Konoha, a town that had grown tremendously over the past years. It was now a modernized area with a population of over 286,000 people, most of them refugees who had fled Minneapolis and were now finding a place to get some weed and cheap textbooks for their partial differential equations class which was required to even work at McDonald's, which they didn't have. In order to work as a Burger King janitor, you needed to be at least 22 and have a Ph.D in English Literature with no more than 4 B-'s on your report card. Soon...the bottom fell out, much like when you eat a huge meal at a Vietnamese buffet outside of Seattle and you gotta rush to take a shit on your toilet, but when you pull your underwear down, you spin really fast to get on the toilet but your ass muscles are weak and it gets all over the wall. That bad. It happened in a woman's restroom at this place for wood shipment or something.

A sexy clap of thunder echoed across the sky like a fat ass that was twerking to the Star Spangle Banner before the opening of a new dumpster for mattresses that was outside of Boston. The lightning began to illuminate the sky like veins of white electricity and the sound was enough to make you want to get your taxes audited by someone who could use sign language only understood by people who live in Iceland.

But all of this was good in the freaking ghetto of Cleveland, Ohio, because Uchiha Sasuke, an almost-thirteen-year-old shinobi with a hairstyle that made you wish your parents changed your name to something less racist, even if it was appropriate for whatever nationality you may be, was going to Costco. He was going to get some ingredients to make his girlfriend, Haruno Sakura, dinner for their two week anniversary together as a couple. Sure, it sounded sappy as all get-out, but the sentiment meant a lot to Sasuke.

Sasuke was driving his 1997 Volvo V70 station wagon. It was a very nice vehicle and had amazingly comfortable seats; in fact, the seats were so damn comfortable that the Prime Minister of the UK ripped out the backseat and uses it as a couch in his office. Then the Chancellor of Germany came over for a beer and they sat on it so the Chancellor got a 2004 S80 and used its front seats as office chairs. Sasuke was driving very carefully in his beautiful black station wagon whose license plate was WNKST4. He loved driving his car so much and was listening to something by Oprah. It made him so happy to listen to her.

After about ten minutes of driving, Sasuke finally got to Costco and he sighed as he got out and got his hair soaking wet. He shook it like it was a dog and he finally went inside after showing his cute little Costco membership card that had an expression on it like what you see when you're about to have your picture taken with a Tom Cruise stunt double outside of a Wendy's.

He took a basket and immediately went to the vegetables and got some onions. Man, did this nigga love onions! In fact, Sasuke once had a dream where he was wearing a Speedo and dived into a swimming pool filled with onion rings. He told his classmates about this, but then they started preaching about how a Speedo wouldn't look good on him unless he got a completely different hairstyle, but they praised the validity of his dream and how interesting it would be. Sasuke inhaled their odor and his mouth started to water. He got some carrots and potatoes as well and went to the section to get some roast to make for their dinner hopefully tonight.

It was 10:22 a.m, and Sasuke was hoping she would arrive home from her flight from Tokyo later. He grabbed some Flinstones Vitamins in order to give to her as a gift, but he needed some paper, too. He went over to the paper and saw they already had Christmas wrapping paper and tried to find some of the most neutral design. He got some with red flowers and put that in his basket. He was listening to his iPod with headphones he stole from a 7/11 by using a smoke Jutsu and was very happy with what he did. Now it was time to go to the check out line. But not before going to the candy and sweets. He bought a huge container of gummi dolphins and

He gave the cashier his membership card and she laughed at his haircut. He gave her the middle finger and then pulled out some cash from his L.L. Kool Jay wallet and paid for the stuff while he scoffed. This woman...This woman looked like she put on nail polish that was from the 88 cent store in Memphis, TN and her lipstick looked like some woman from Cambodia used it to put on a pig so it could win a contest. Her outfit looked like a blind Russian grandma chose at a Good Will in Dallas and her hairstyle looked like Don King's hairstylist did it. She was probably wearing a thong, too, for all Sasuke knew. Nonetheless, she was very nice and apologized about the comment she made, but her lip ring kept making her lisp when she talked. It was kinda funny, when you think about it.

Sasuke then put the groceries in a box and proceeded towards the exit. Ho...Ly...Shit. It was raining so hard that you couldn't even see nineteen feet in front of you. It was so loud that a deaf person could hear it. It was so wet that you could fill a gallon jug in less than fifteen seconds. It was so hard! And Sasuke didn't even steal an umbrella to use! Sasuke bought a drink from the snack bar and was drinking it. He would try to turn the cup upside down and put it on as a hat to try to keep some of the rain away.

"No..." he said as he looked at who was looking at the receipts and gasped. It was Akamichi Chouji, that little fatass with dried hair that looked like pine needles and a stupid-ass diaper. How the hell was HE working? But wait, there was something else going on. That fatty was eating something! Not that it was surprising.

"Gimme your receipt, nigga!" said Chouji as he called the next person. It was something he did out of habit because his stepmother was black. She told him it was okay to say that word and he's called everyone that but with good intentions.

"Chill the hell out, Chouji," scoffed Sasuke as he gave him the piece of paper. Chouji took it and the four silver bracelets on his fat arm began jiggling as he looked at it and then marked it with a sharpie he stole. "By the way, what are you eating?"

"Chili cheese fries, you potato head," remarked Chouji as he put the greasy chili-covered french fry next to his rubbery licks and began to smack really loudly. It was getting annoying.

"Uh-huh, yeah, and where the heck did you get them, you freaking fatass?!" exclaimed the emo ninja out of anger. He sure wanted to eat some of them.

"At Sonic, you dumb tittydush!" exclaimed Chouji as he threw a fry at Sasuke's face. Sasuke let it splat against his sexy nose and then grabbed that french fry and threw it 843 feet outside into the sky. It twinkled in the sky and then was struck by a bolt of lightning and was set on fire and landed on a gas station and blew up. The rain demolished the fire in about 42 seconds, though, thankfully, and no one died or lost their car in the explosion. Sasuke was about to snap. In fact he did. He snapped his knuckles and punched Chouji square in the face and then pushed him so hard that the fatass fell to the ground, dropping his fries in the process and then several people began to run out of the store as if there was a fire. They all stepped on the fries, smashing them in the process.

Chouji looked at what happened. His beloved fries were ruined thanks to Sasuke! He would get his revenge, somehow, even if he had to call someone from Burger King!

Sasuke was driving in the pouring down rain. Thankfully, the intensity let up and now he could see twenty-three feet ahead of him. But Chouji gave him idea, which was unusual. He was very curious about how those chili cheese fries would taste like. He started to drive towards Sonic and parked next to one of the stalls to order the food. He pressed the button and immediately his hand got soaking wet. It was so kinky!

"Welcome to Sonic! May I take your order, pimp?" said a female voice on the other line.

"Yeah, I'd like-" started Sasuke as he looked at the menu but his ass was interrupted.

"Boy, you sure sound like a fag!" giggled the voice on the other line, causing about six other people to laugh inside along with the woman. Sasuke just rolled his eyes at this. It wasn't the first time that someone said that to him. "Go ahead and order, playa!"

"I'd like a medium order of your chili cheese fries, pimp!" said Sasuke as he winked at the machine. He decided to let that minor insult go and was just focusing on getting some of the chili cheese fries. The Sonic was very nice; it had several workers who drove Lincoln Town Cars and Volvo S80's with spinners and the best surround-sound system that anybody could afford working at a place like this.

"Okay, nigga, so you wanted the medium chili cheese fries, is that correct?" said the voice.

"Yeah, Luda!" said Sasuke. "That's all I want."

"Please have your motherfucking money ready when I come, which may take at least forty-seven seconds," said the woman as she belched really loudly into the microphone. It was so quiet that it sounded like a dog farting, but he could tell that this bitch burped. And it was kinda funny in a stupid way. Sasuke waited for two minutes before a woman appeared. No...It was...

"Shizune?!" he exclaimed as he looked at the woman. "What the hell are you doing here?!"

Shizune sighed at Sasuke's words and then said, "I work here, you dumbass." She pointed to her kinky roller skates that were pink and blue. "Don't you think these skates are excellent for picking up guys?"

"Yeah, if they belong in a circus," commented Sasuke as he looked at Shizune. "Here, take your flippin' money and hand me the damn chili cheese fries!" He gave the weird-looking woman the money and she handed him the chili cheese fries. Sasuke looked at them and said,

"Bitch, these don't have any onions on them!"

"Sorry, we ran out, Sasuke!" she said in a lackluster tone as she began to skate away like a fairy princess.

Sasuke sighed as he looked at the fries that didn't have any onions on them. He then got a bright idea and got into the backseat and grabbed an onion out of the bag and grabbed a kunai. He peeled the onion and threw the peelings outside and then chopped it up really small and put it on his fries. He licked his lips. Damn, these fries looked so Gucci! He used his chopsticks and brought it to his mouth and swallowed it. Oh. My. Goodness. And. All. The. Freaking. Stars. In. The. Sky. These were so pimpalicious good! He began to eat more of the fries and was making gross noises while chewing and then finally finished them in about a minute. He was so satisfied that he threw all the trash out the window and then started to head home.

Sasuke wasn't even twenty feet out of the parking lot, but something started to feel wrong. Very wrong, indeed. His stomach was starting to grumble and it felt very unpleasant indeed. It felt like his intestines were holding a battle down there and he was getting really nervous as to what would happen next. All the sudden, it happened. Phhhhhhhhhhhhbbbbbt! Uchiha Sasuke farted really, really loudly. In fact, it was such a loud fart that it hurt his asshole a little bit. He was scared. He had never farted so terribly in all his life. Did Shizune do something? What happened?! He turned around and went back to the drive-in menu thing and pushed the button.

"Shizune, what did you do?!" commanded Sasuke with anger as he let out four really loud farts within three seconds. They started to smell like rotten onions and dill pickles.

"Like, oh my gosh, are you _farting_?" she asked with a devious snicker. She had never heard Sasuke fart, let alone anyone else other than herself, and it was hilarious.

"Dammit, Shizune, this isn't funny!" exclaimed Sasuke as he let out another extremely loud fart. "Owww! My asshole!"

"Get your stinky ass outta here; we need that space for customers!" said Shizune as she and every single person working inside started laughing at Sasuke.

"Yeah, well screw you guys, I'm going home!" protested Sasuke as he put his Volvo in reverse and began to head home with an ass that kept on farting like there was no tomorrow. He couldn't even begin to imagine how bad the seat would smell when he got home.


	2. Chapter 2

Sasuke got home and managed to hold his farts until after he got the groceries out of the trunk of his beautiful Volvo. As soon as he got inside, he unleashed a storm in his bikini and farted at least six times within twenty seconds. He knew that he would have to use a lot of Resolve Stain Remover to get this out, kinda like the same time that Ben Affleck when ate Korean barbecue at a gas station that served people who were shorter than 5'10 and had a heavy Finnish accent, neither of which he had, so they gave him Korean barbecue instead of their pickled herring. Sasuke put away the groceries he had and bent over the counter and strained really, really hard, kinda like Chouji when he had to put on a mitten for the winter weather. He farted so loud that it almost felt like he had to take a shit, but it was risky to take a shit because he may not get the dinner finished in time. After all, he had at least 8 hours.

Sasuke took out a lot of kinky ingredients for what he was making for Sakura. A pot roast. That's right. This nigga was gonna make that ho a pot roast and he thought that she would love it so much that he would get him some fancy earrings as a present from Tokyo. Sasuke got the carrots out and he began to chop them so fast that it was almost blinding if you put it 16x speed on your DVD player. That's right. Sasuke chopped vegetables really slow; well, maybe not slow as in Chiyo's speed, but it wasn't as fast as Chouji. Chopping food was the only thing that fat nigga was fast at. Once the carrots were chopped, he grunted and farted really loud in the middle of the kitchen and began to sweat. He couldn't take a dush now!

Sasuke took out the roast meat he was gonna use for the pot roast and put it inside of the crockpot. He got a can of cream of mushroom soup, ginger ale, potatoes, and salt and pepper and put them inside and stirred that nigga up. Once he was done, he put them on to cook for six hours. Okay, maybe it was a bit stupid for him to hold his shit, but he didn't really need to go now. He was ready to relax, and what not. He went into the living and turned on the television and turned it on the to Young and Restless.

"I'm so thirsty, I could go to Minneapolis and raid a refrigerator to get something to drink," said Sasuke as he went back into the kitchen. He opened the fridge and saw just what he wanted: a Kirin beer bottle. He opened it and took it into the living room, but then went back to find him something to eat. He got a package of fruit gushers and went back into the living and sat on his really luxurious white leather couch. He snapped the beer open and began to drink it as he watched some drama unfold on the television. The couch he sat on was so dang comfortable, a little bit more comfortable than the seats in his Volvo. Sasuke kinda wanted to take his clothes off and take a nap there, but he needed to do something else. At least it felt like that.

After Sasuke finished the beer, he threw it at 102 miles per hour into the fire place that had a fire going and the bottle exploded into 248 pieces that he was not gonna pick up. He felt really satisfied with his actions and peed on the fire. All the sudden, he felt a rumble in his belly.

"Dammit, do I gotta fart again?" he wondered as he looked around. As soon as he said that, he farted so loudly that he fell down face forward. He farted as soon as he was on the ground and it launched him about six feet and he hit his head on the soft couch.

"NIGGA!" he shouted in pain. It hurt so bad that he started to cry in the exact same way Madonna's fingernail broke when she was diddling Sean Penn's asshole in 1994, even though they weren't married. Sasuke got up and went to the bathroom.

"Oh, shit! I gotta take a dush!" he announced as he sat one of the toilets. He grabbed a magazine about how to take care of your Volvo and then grunted.

"Oh, shit! I gotta take a dush!" he shouted to nobody as he got up and darted to the bathroom upstairs, his ass making the toilet shake as he sat down. He strained really hard and a 23 inch turd came outta his ass after sitting on the toilet for forty seconds. His ass felt like raw hamburger meat now and he started to laugh at the feeling of relief.

"Damn, look at what I did to the toilet!" he screamed with delight as he flushed the giant turd. He went to wash his hands and then went back to laugh at the soap opera. AS soon as he sat down...

PHBBBBBBBBBBT!

"MY ASSHOLE! MY PRECIOUS ANUS!" screamed Sasuke as he cried.


	3. Chapter 3

**_"OWWWWW! MY ASSHOLE! MY PRECIOUS ANUS!"_** screamed Sasuke as he cried like a bitch as he let out an extremely powerful fart. It was so ambiguous in its odor that you had higher logic to believe that somebody from a different planet invested your money to shove a shower curtain in a laundromat in Ukraine than to guess how it smelt, if that even made sense. He closed his eyes and let out another fart that lasted about six more seconds, ending with a little wet fart that sounded exactly like he had diarrhea in his bikini. It was so nasty that he had to pretend he was in a volcano and about to jump into a crater just to not imagine how bad his asshole smelt.

Sasuke couldn't understand what to do next, so he decided to get up and go to the Dell computer they had and began to type into it.

"Nearest...fart...doctor...in...Konoha..." he typed as he farted again. He hoped that the stench of these farts would be gone by the time that Sakura got home because he didn't want to her her complain about how much it smelt like Sasuke's butthole. He could picture that ho going to Walgreens and buying some Febreeze and spray the couch. After the search was complete, Sasuke clicked on a link and opened it. It was for a gastrointestinal specialist who had a funny name: Allen Westbridge. Sasuke got the directions of the place that this nigga and printed it old school style and farted again.

Sasuke got back in his kinky Volvo and farted as he put it in reverse and started to drive to the place. He was so short he needed a pillow to sit on because he could barely see over it. It was still raining very hard, although the intensity probably dropped about 1% since he left Costco. He needed to hurry because he feared the storm would get much, much worse if he didn't get there in time, and the last thing he wanted to do was to get the Volvo dirty with shitty rain water. He could've just taken the bus, but he didn't want to sit next to some random nigga who probably didn't even brush his teeth after September 11 because he feared that the government had microscopic organic cameras in the toothpaste and he was scared that something would happen and they would steal his stash of oak leaves.

A flash of lightning illuminated the sky and made a crashing sound that was almost as loud as the time Chouji fell down the stairs in 1998 when he was trying to demonstrate why his ass was fat. It was kinda amazing that the earth was still intact after all of this crap and he farted again. That piece of shit was so close to flying out of his bikini and it worried him. In about ten minutes, Sasuke finally arrived to the doctor's place. The doctor's office was really weird looking. There was a large aquarium in the center and it was in the shape of an old computer monitor and there were several cuttlefish inside of it. There were tons of pictures of cars such as a 1981 Pontiac Firebird and 1978 Buick Skylark with spinners. The couches were made of purple leather and the floor was made of something that you would see in a house from 1974.

"This nigga has some weird taste," said Sasuke as he went up to the receptionist. "Yeah, I'd like to see that nigga Dr. Allen Westbridge."

"Oh, shit...it's you," said the girl behind the counter who looked like she was 18.

"The fuck did you say, bitch? Huh!?" shouted Sasuke in a loud voice, getting the attention of everyone in the room.

"Are you Fujiwara Sousuke?" she asked as she looked at him. "You got my sister pregnant!"

"I'm Uchiha Sasuke, ho!" retorted Sasuke. "And I'm not even 13 yet!"

"Oh, shit, pimp! I'm so sorry! I confused you for another playa!" said the receptionist. "Yeah, sign these papers, nigga." She threw a clipboard at Sasuke and he farted as he fell down to the ground in pain. As soon as that happened, "Didn't Mean to Turn You On" started to play on the radio. Who the hell was this nigga Allen Westbridge anyways, and why would an American be here in Konoha? Or Canadian. Who knows.

In fifteen minutes, Sasuke finished the clipboard and threw it at the receptionist and she saw that it was about to hit here, so she she took out a baseball bat and smashed it in mid air.

"Thanks, pimp! This is how I normally take patient forms!" she said as she farted.


	4. Chapter 4

Sasuke waiting in the room was not kinky at all. He got out his stupid iPod and began to listen to some stupid music on it as he waited for the doctor to arrive. He was hoping that this nigga was able to help him out and he was worried that he may be farting for a while. He was glad that he was able to get an appointment so quickly. Sasuke all the sudden let out a loud fart and it was without any doubt whatsoever the worse one.

 ** _"OWWW! MY ASSHOLE FUCKING HURTS, YOU NIGGAS!"_** screamed Sasuke as he got up and took one of Allen's stupid pictures off the wall and smashed it against the stupid aquarium. He thing he did was pretty much identical when Adele found out that they were not gonna have Mediterranean bites at her local KFC for the next 23 years because some person from Cuba had a boycott on the sauce they used.

"Nigga, your ass stinks!" said one of the other patients, not caring at all that they aquarium was ruined. In fact, people showed as much concern to what Sasuke did to the painting and aquarium than to how People Magazine reacted when they found out that Whitney Houston had done drugs. Sasuke turned to this nigga and said,

"I know! I've been farting for so long! Smell!" He clenched his fists and then released a fart to the other one's face. This cat was about to lose his mind faster than when Blanche Devereaux was at a Dairy Queen in Norfolk and ate six sundaes within five minutes. He farted and then screamed and his ass stung like a turnip.

Soon, the doctor opened the door and said, "Where's that nigga Uchiha Sasuke?"

"That's me!" said Sasuke as he got up and farted quietly. The doctor took Sasuke to the room and said,

"Okay, the first thing I need you to do is to fart as hard as you can. Get a huge one out of your system."

"Okay, I need to do something first," said Sasuke as he pulled his shorts down and his bikini and spread his asscheeks apart. The doctor closed his eyes and turned away. This was not supposed to happen...Sasuke then let out a huge fart that was about 109 decibels and lasted for about 9 seconds. As each second passed as he farted, his face was showing more and more pain and he did not like it. How could he not like it? It hurt really badly! The smell...the smell was so awful it smelt like someone sprayed the room with liquid garbage that fermented for about three weeks in Phoenix. Dr. Westridge started coughing really loudly from the stench. Sasuke pulled his underwear and shorts back up.

"Uh...wow. Heh. That was incredibly loud," said Dr. Westridge. "Do you feel better?"

"Yeah, nigga!" said Sasuke. "Are you gonna run some tests?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna take a barium test of your insides, nigga," said the Doctor as he wrote down some shit in shitty Japanese he learned from a really low-profile college in West Virginia. He said, "Okay, take this." He poured stuff that was not the sizzurp that Sasuke hoped and Sasuke swallowed it. It tasted like someone melted a stick of chalk that was used during the Iron Curtain era to write stuff about how shitty the government was.

The doctor said, "Okay, playa, follow me." Sasuke followed this weird doctor into a room. "Hurry and put this gown on, nigga." He put it on Sasuke's head and Sasuke got changed. He returned in about five minutes and said, "Get your ass on the table!"

Sasuke did.

"Smile, nigga!" He pressed a button and a picture was taken. An image appeared. "Yeah, you got bad flatulence, so take this prescription and get the hell out of here."

Sasuke left and then farted before going out. He went to Walgreens and went to the pharmacy section.

"Oh...no..." he said slowly with frustration as he saw who it was...

"Mitarashi Anko, what the hell are you doing here?"

"Disrespectful nigga, I work here!" she ordered back. "I will take your receipt, nigga."

"Prescription?"

"Whatever!" said Anko as she snatched it. "Sit your black ass down, nigga!" She punched buttons frivolously and soon the medicine was ready. She threw it at Sasuke. "Get lost, nigga!"

Sasuke went home and he opened up the medicine. It said, "This is a suppository, and you put it into your asshole."

Sasuke pulled down his underwear and pants and then inserted it, but he let out a huge fart that it ricocheted off the wall and hit him in the face and now his farts hurt even more!

"OWWWWWWWWWW!" he screamed.


	5. Chapter 5

Uchiha Sasuke had a really raw hole after all of his farting and now he had a headache that was worse than the time that Blanche saw Sophia wearing dry lasagna noodles over her nipples because her bras were at the dry cleaner that Helen Mirren was seen serving birthday cake to a woman who couldn't even remember to change her overalls before going to a tornado shelter. Sasuke began to rub his buttcheeks that were now really sore and he was about to cry because now he wanted to take a shit again, but damn, he felt like he was going to expel his small intestine if he did so.

Uchiha Sasuke had tears out of his eyes and he finally got up. He smelt the pot roast cooking and he was very hungry, but he knew that he couldn't do anything about it. He wanted to listen to some Britney Spears and get some anger out of his system, but at the same time he wanted to cry and listen to Oprah and eat an entire box of graham crackers.

Sasuke soon got up and decided that the best thing to do was go find Chouji and ask him what he did to Sasuke. He knew that Chouji was tied to all this farting and he was going to confront the fat nigga. He turned on the beautiful Volvo and he pulled back and was heading towards Costco and was going to fart the entire time. He wondered if Shizune had anything to do with this, but he doubted it because his relationship with Shizune was okay. But Chouji was a dumbass and he needed to be confronted and it was going to make Sasuke fart!

In ten minutes, Sasuke made it to Costco and it was still raining really hard. He took out his Pokeball and he threw it out towards the other. "Go, Arbok!" screeched Sasuke as he threw out the Pokeball.


End file.
